Tuesday, May 25, 2010

All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned From LOST, Part 2

Drugs:
Are AWESOME. They are never addictive unless it's dramatic and withdrawals only ever last four days or until someone hangs you. Also drugs make you grow a beard. Even if you're a woman. If for some reason you can't grow a beard whilst drugging, false beards are available.

Coffins:
Indestructible.

Tennis Shoes:
Little known fact: 7 out of 10 corpses prefer to wear white tennis shoes.

Staring:
When trying to communicate with someone, never forget- it is up to THEM to make the first and indeed all subsequent moves, for THEM to use their telepathy to understand you. ESPECIALLY when they want answers to simple questions. NEVER answer a question or make a simple statement when there is an opportunity to simply stare vacuously at someone.
If someone is staring at or near you, NEVER interrupt them unless or until they cease staring of their own accord, an overweight person runs up to interrupt you, a fight breaks out within earshot or you hear a whooshing noise.
Remember: staring at the object of your affection is NOT creepy, it means you really love them. Any fool can kiss them, tell them how much you care for them etc. It takes a GENIUS to communicate essentially random thought processes or dangerously long flashbacks by simply staring at someone. Or near someone. Or at all.

Flashbacks:
Although modern science in its ignorance will try and tell you that memory often presents us with a first person perspective, rarely remembers colors accurately and is frequently disjointed, in fact memories are simple compartmentalised miniature stories that all begin and end with a whooshing sound, have simple and unambiguous beginning middle and end, and occur in a third person perspective, frequently with a variety of visual effects, changing angles of view and filters.

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