Tuesday, May 25, 2010

All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned From LOST, Part 1

It would priceless if some hack did an “All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From LOST” type book.

How to get information:
murder someone. Then ask them questions as they are dying. Do NOT under any circumstances ask even close acquaintances let alone loved ones, spouses or friends any normal questions. And NEVER under any circumstances voluntarily share information.

How to form close sexual relationships:
constantly hector and undermine the object of your affections, or simply ignore them or treat them like they’re retarded. This is such a turn on you’ll have them eating out of your hand or anywhere else you desire. Also, the sexiest imaginable place to get it on is a deserted beach on an island filled with hostiles and traps, or a massive cage. In any event make sure some creepy group of people is watching you make love- be it Others, undercover police on stakeout, or whatever.

Parenting:
All fathers are evil. All mothers are useless. Or evil. Children are best ignored. Unless you can get them kidnapped.

Medical Treatment:
A wizard did it.

Faith:
Something that requires proof.

Science:
Something that you have to take on trust.

Morbidly Obese People:
If they like Star Wars (and let’s face it, pretty much all of them do) they’re wonderful.

Psychosis:
Makes you more functional and gives you an eerie intuitive ability. See Locke, John; Reyes, Hugo; Lucia, Ana. Also means you aren’t responsible for any of your actions. Including ones you take when sane.

Sanity:
Vastly overrated, and extremely dangerous since it doesn’t match reality at all. It’s far better to be strung out on drugs or simply insane. See: Psychosis, Faith, Science

Catholicism:
A religious equivalent of the Californian attitude to illegal immigrants. Also little more than black suit wearing version of Buddhism, which is itself basically equivalent to Islam, Confucianism, Zen and Satanism.

Religion:
Good, evil- they’re both excellent choices. Whatever floats your boat. Like M&Ms, they all come out the same color anyway.

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