Monday, February 8, 2010

How To Fix Wonder Woman, A Step By Step Guide To Playing Better Golf

I herebelow do offer two alternative ways to fix Wonder Woman. As with most DC characters ("properties") and half of Marvel's post-Bendis cluster fuck ("universe") the third, best, alternative will never happen since they aren't characters to be written about, they ARE properties to be marketed. Thus, never to have an end, thus, never to rise to mythic status. Kid yourself all you want, media mind control keeping sad homoerotic shit like Batman front and centre in the minds of 235,000 people is not mythic. Ditto star wars and its endless siphilis of spinoffs. Minus the marketing they are dead in the water.

SO on to Wonder Woman.

3. Shoot her in the fucking head, kill her dead. Never revisit or resurrect her. (As I said, the best option for the walking tripe of the "big" "two" (more like medium sized one given the constant talent incest) but it won't happen. You don't kill trademarks. That IP costs money, yo. Plus there could be a film in it, oy vey I'm telling you.)

2. Make Wonder Woman the bull bisexual bondage fairy she started off as. In fact, she's little better than a softcore sex robot from day one, so make her what she was intended to be.

1. (the "sensible" option). Marvel stupidly added Superman to a universe blessedly free of such crap, so return the favour. Only instead of retconning the hundredth unwanted "golden" "age" (it was eight fucking years long and four of those years were gayer than Ryan Seacrest and more emotionally retarded than Alan Moore fans) just take her back to the day of her origin (obsessive fanwankers will surely be able to pin that down to week and month at least) and make her the living symbol of liberty, and basically the DC universe's Captain America. This will involve doing a few things though:

a) stop hiring middle of the road shrill internet critics who do abysmal fucking femocomics to write the character. They don't need a war veteran to write Captain America, why the fuck do they need a critic, let alone an actual FEE-mayull to write Wonder Woman? WW is by far one of the least sexy and indeed least feminine characters evarr. Fuck, Batman's more feminine, by a country mile.

b) give her a Red Skull, an Arnim Zola and so on back in her 1930s to 1940s adventures.

c) make the comic actually start in the 1939 era. for fuck's sake she's totally irrelevant to modern day shit in the DC comics anyway. so take her out for a good long time.

c) II if not, then split her comic which apparently HAS to exist between her golden age adventures or indeed any of her past adventures over the decade and her current day shit. Which really truly is SHIT.

WW = Captain America. It totally makes sense. So that too would make it unique in modern DC.

Oh and DC? Leave Captain Marvel the fuck alone, OK? Your scummy golden age was all about paedos, not the Calvin of the 1940s, so just leave him the FUCK alone. You only stole him cause he outsold Superman. And if he was done properly, he still would.

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